I sat in a chat forum the other night, and a question was raised by a submissive, having spent alot of time as an on-line submissive, she had asked how she truly would know what she liked and didn't like. The answer I gave to her was, though it may have been technically accurate, it wasn't the right answer. I had referred her to the D/s checklist, which is a tool that identifies every aspect of BDSM and allows the submissive to help communicate to the Dominant what he/she likes, may want to try and definitely does not enjoy.
The reason that I say that the answer I gave was incorrect was, because, like everything in life, you'll never really know unless you try it. You'll have some ideas of what you definitely like and don't like. You'll have some ideas of what your hard limits are and what will make your knees quiver. But until you step from behind the computer screen and actually experience the "techniques", you won't know if you enjoy it or not.
I've sat in chatrooms and watched online scenes where the Dominant takes the flogger to the submissive, and the submissive moans with each swat of it. Later on, when asking the submissive, if she really knows what the flogger felt like, how, dependent on the material it is made from and how it is applied that there are different sensations from it, she responded with a no. She could only imagine what it may feel like.
In reality, what one thinks they may enjoy in their imagination or fantasies, may be something that, when experienced in real life, may be something that they disdain. Rape fantasies are one such example. In a rape fantasy, there is the idea that control is being taken away from you, that the body is being used for anothers pleasures. But the reality of rape is that it is a violent crime against the victim. Often times rape victims are left battered and bruised, not only their bodies violated but their minds and spirits also. But this again differs from a negotiated scene, where the submissive has agreed to be raped (contradictory isn't it?).
There are steps that a submissive can take to experience what he/she thinks she may enjoy, without putting himself/herself into jeopardy. One is self-administered, i.e., self-bondage, self-flagellation. In this instance the submissive is in control of what is being administered. If this is a course that the submissive decides to try, then he/she must be aware of the safety aspects of the acts.
Another course is to contact their local D/s group. Make sure that the group is reputable and long standing. If they are, they will have names of individuals who offer "training" to submissives. Reputable trainers limit the training to the techniques alone and do not cross the boundaries to sexual play. If the submissive choses this course, he/she needs to research the "trainer" thoroughly, getting references from other individuals.
If the submissive is in a relationship with another person, then this is always the ultimate option. Who better to try something new with someone he/she trusts and care about? In this case, communications is the key. The submissive must be open and honest about wanting to try something new, and knowing when to stop it if he/she doesn't enjoy it, by either use of a safeword or telling their partner (if their vanilla) to stop.
Activities within BDSM are much like a chinese buffet (ok, bad analogy). You take what you like, put it on your plate, but as you're going through the line, you see something you want to try, so you try it in small quantities. If you find you like it, you go back for more, if you don't then its something you don't have to do again.
Essay written by passion.
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